"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
