I am in a vortex of obligation.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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