Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
