hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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