hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You have to summon your inner elephant
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
