I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
