she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I want to be your penis for a week.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
