Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
