The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
