Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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