Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
