Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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