Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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