Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
