If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I currently don't understand fingers.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
