i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
