Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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