My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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