return my video game
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
