Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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