i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
