She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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