i may or may not be watching the land before time
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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