glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
