you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
