i love accidental penises.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
