i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
