Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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