How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
