Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
