She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
