the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
