The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
is wine microwaveable?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
