my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Did I show you my penis last night?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
whose parrot is this?
I need to calm my uterus...
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
