Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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