so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize