my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
