I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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