What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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