I think I won the penis lottery.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
