I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
