dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
