Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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