Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
