Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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