he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
