I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
