I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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