drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
