What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
