I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
